I’ve discovered these past few weeks, as I have listened to all the people tell stories, voice frustrations, and share past pains, that I am tired. I am tired of listening to feelings, and I am tired of not being able to share my own.
So, my apologies dear reader, because today’s blog? Its a total vent. I was driving this afternoon and could literally feel the knots in my neck tightening. I am angry about being called to a place where I did not know the story. I am angry about feeling like I had to leave a place where I felt loved and effective to come to a place where more often than not, I feel like I am ineffective and have no idea of where to go or what to do next. I am angry that I took a call I didn’t do more research on. So many things.
And the dumb thing is, being angry won’t change a dang thing. It won’t change where I am called. It won’t change my circumstances. It just drains me more. So why be angry? What is it about anyway?
Lent is looming and I am overwhelmed. My house isn’t unpacked and I am overwhelmed. My office isn’t unpacked and I am overwhelmed. And yet here I sit, unable to function on any of it because I am so angry with it all.
If I could voice things?
- I need to know that there is someone here who has my back, no matter what.
- I need some time to acclimate, to process through the pain of entering blindly into chaos, and to find some hope in the midst of it all.
- I need more storage or less stuff. At work, at home, everywhere.
- I need to hear that folks are glad that I am here. That I am making a difference for them.
- I need to improve my self talk and maybe gain some skills on how to do that.
- I need some training and support from the synod level on how to handle this broken of a system.
None of those things that I need it that huge. But to ask for them sounds impossible. So I am just throwing it out into the blogosphere.
What do you do when you are in a new place and overwhelmed by all the things? What do you do when your lack of voice in a system leads to some pretty intense anger?
Off to pray. And then get back to work. Peace in the journey readers.
Preaching Kate 